LWS - August Issue "I am So Big"


Yes, I am, I know I am. I AM BIG, I know I can do anything! I am a girl!

Mom would bounce me on her knees and stretch my arms wide saying, “I am soooo big!” I would giggle and wiggle as she cuddled and snuggled me. Dresses, patent leather shoes, curls and bows were my costume whenever mom wanted to dress me up, and I loved it.

I loved my clothes for digging in the dirt too, and riding the big wheel, climbing trees, and chasing my cocker-spaniel, Lulu, and my boyfriend, Joey, around the yard. Then my little brother and sister came, and I was the big girl because I was their big sister. I loved them. They were my charge, so I was in charge. I felt I could do anything, and do it perfectly well.

I think I was about seven when this girl, Wanda, was at the house doing some gardening. I followed her around because she was pretty and a teenager. I overheard her talking to Mom, saying some crazy stuff about how she was not chosen for something because she was a girl. I thought, “What are you talking about? Yeah, you are a girl! Why wouldn’t you be chosen for this thing you wanted?” It was something about someone thinking she was not as strong or smart as some boy. I was confounded and I felt angry about it.

Later, I went to my mom and asked her opinion about this insanity. She looked at me with amusement and I think a hint of sadness. She couldn’t deny it; the world thought boys were better, more valuable than girls. I couldn’t believe it. Dad was awesome, I was going to marry Joey, my little brother was good too, but come on! I couldn’t believe that girlness was not the best in the eyes of everyone. Clearly, they didn’t know how great being a girl was. I wouldn’t make it true for me. I wouldn’t be less than any boy, ever!

The next many years were all about education, achievement, career, and earning money. I still never bought the idea that men were innately better or more valuable than women, but I had forgotten what I knew before the age of seven. It khadn’t translated into womanhood.

Realizing what was missing, I focused my attention beyond feminism, diving into the ancient goddess traditions; the energetics of the divine feminine; the Christos-Sophia, and the Yin-Yang. I remembered. I learned and saw how the patriarchal paradigm became active approximately 5,000 years ago. This gave me appreciation for the balance of energies between men and women.

My studies allowed me to remember being the maiden, and remember what I had known at seven. I understood, once again, the value of being a girl, a woman, and the goddess incarnate. I remembered the divine feminine. She is BIG, I am she, and she is who all women are.